Co-Regulation vs. Self-Regulation: Why ADHD Adults Need Other People to Function
Let’s talk about regulation. There are two types –co-regulation and self-regulation—and BOTH are EXTREMELY important for the regulation of our nervous system. With ADHD, there is often a high level of dysregulation that we feel. We feel it in our minds, in our bodies, in our everyday life. We develop a toolkit filled with ways in which we can self-regulate ourselves. For some, this may be the deep breath you take right before you feel like you’re about to snap on the person that is talking to you. It may be the self-affirmations of “I can do this” or “I got this” when facing a challenge. These tools are really important, because sometimes we aren’t around others to help us when times get tough.
Co-regulation is something equally, and in my therapeutic opinion, MORE important. This is where most people with ADHD and/or Autism really feel their nervous system regulated. It is the friend who tells you to take a deep breath when you forget to breathe (we’ve been there, right?!). It may be the therapist validating how you are feeling when you are in the midst of pouring out your emotions. It is also the person who sits on the other side of the computer screen and says “Hey, you told me you wanted to get this done today, and I know you can do it!”. This is an example of—cue my favorite two words – BODY DOUBLING!
Body doubling is a way to regulate the nervous system through connection. And here is why it works! Body doubling = co-regulation through the presence of other individuals. When we see other individuals that are calm and nonjudgemental, whether its on a phone call, video call, or in person, our nervous system detects safety. I love science so I am going to spew out the word for this, and it is called neuroception. It is the signal that is sent to our nervous system that tells us that we are not alone and that we are safe. It reactivates our social engagement system and takes us out of that fight or flight mode that we can get stuck in. Body doubling also helps to reduce the shame and isolation that we often carry. Instead of telling ourselves “I should be able to get this done by myself”, body doubling chimes in and says “Friend, I’ve got you!! I see that this task is hard for you, but you are not alone”. Being around caring individuals kicks our mirror neurons into high gear. Those mirror neurons are the parts of our brains that copy what others are doing. So, that calm person on the other end of the call? Well now you’ve picked up on their calmness. Oh, you see them typing diligently on a task? Your brain says “Oh, I can do that too!!”.
Body doubling is also a way of just starting to climb that first step. It is the encouragement to turn our computer on or to get that basket of laundry. It is the accountability and the connection that breaks the barriers that we feel on a daily basis. It is the cheerleading team standing behind you telling you that no task is too big or too small to need support for!
When we feel connected to others, and when we feel less shame and judgment, we don’t just live, we THRIVE. When we feel seen without having to explain why picking up that laundry basket is so difficult because there is a mutual understanding, we feel COMFORT.
So, I ask each of you, what community do you have? What connections do you have in your life? Have you ever tried body doubling? Maybe before reading this, you never even heard the term, and guess what? That is OKAY! When I found ND Hive, I found a space where I could truly unmask, be myself, not have to explain why things were difficult, and I felt connected and supported in a way that I never had before. I feel calmer, I feel supported, and I feel connected to people who truly understand.
The body doubling that ND Hive offers is unparalleled and a truly safe space. Come as you are, and we promise you will be embraced with open arms! We don’t judge, we support. We don’t nag, we give gentle nudges to tell you that you’ve got this. Quality over quantity here is what comes to mind. The quality of the individuals sitting on the other side of the screen body doubling is what is unable to be replicated anywhere else. There is such a diverse group of us (and I say us because I’m constantly in body doubling because IT WORKS), and we truly get you.
Bottom line – if you’re feeling like you “should be able to do it alone”, consider this your permission slip to stop going solo. Your nervous system was not designed to operate solo. Connection and body doubling are not a crutch—they are the key to unlocking your potential, decreasing executive dysfunction, increasing regulation within your nervous system, and improving your internal self-talk.
